This is the year

2011 has been the year from hell. Court date after court date, heartache after heartache. I feel like this one year has aged me by ten. Here's a recap of my year:
Started out ok. I was bound and determined to make this a great year despite my impending doom of turning the dirty 30. It was going to be the year Josh and I would celebrate 10 years together and hell, we might have even taken a vacation together. That all changed mid Feb when kid #3 sparked a lie that would change our lives for good. I'll spare you the gory details and just say this: we spent more time at the courthouse then either of us ever wanted or intended to. Thankfully by October, things were semi back to normal around here, though we are out quite a bit of money and time for the sake of putting our family back together. This has also been the year of reminders of my past. Abandonment issues I've never dealt with surfaced their ugly little heads this summer. I was not prepared for that. Financially this year has been crippling as it has for almost everyone I know. There has got to be a light at the end of this horrific year.

So there's a slight bit of insight into what we've been dealing with.I like to think of myself as someone who's got it all together and can handle just about anything. This year reminded me of just how painfully human I am and that I do not in fact possess super human skills that allow me to skip pain or the inevitable daddy issues that one with divorced parents most likely experiences. So to 2011, I say: Kiss my ass!!! I am reclaiming my life and my happiness in 2012. I am bound and determined to make this out year. God knows, we need the boost in morale.

The realness of the real reality is setting in

Have you ever been hit by a wave in the ocean and it was much stronger than you anticipated? Did it knock you over time and time again ripping the breath from your lungs and disorienting you to a point of not knowing where the sky ended and the earth began? That is my life lately. Every time I think I have a grasp on what is going on, another wave comes along and drags me under the dark, stinging, salty water, setting in a fresh batch of panic and mayhem. I am not sure how much more emotion and life I have to give. They say God only gives you what you can handle. I am starting to think that some poor soul who needed something to believe in made all that up to make his day a little sunnier. There is one thing I know for sure though: No one can ever say that I don't have faith. I don't think I have ever prayed as much as I am right now. It is amazing how Satan will try to destroy every ounce of your being and shred any hope of God in your life and vocabulary, yet when things are at the darkest, I turn to Jesus. I know how corny that sounds, but it's the truth. I am not sure if this is right or wrong, but it is how I function. Everything is going along well, and I forget to give thanks, thinking God knows how good He is, then BAM! Something comes along and smacks you in the face. I fall to my knees, cry and beg and tell Him just how sorry I am for not talking to him like I should and I PROMISE to be a better person if He just shows up and helps me this one last time. I have a feeling I am not alone in this cycle. Just how far do you get? I mean, at what point does God just say enough is enough; that your chances were numbered and you exceeded that number 20 graces ago? I wish I could say that I don't think God runs out of patience or grace. I'd like to believe he has an unlimited supply, but through my all-too-human filter, I just don't understand how He can give and give and give. I guess we'll find out at the end.....

Life's a drag....and then you die

This past week has been a sad one. A friend of mine lost her father to cancer. When something like this happens it really makes you re-examine your own life and the people in it. At 29 years old I still have both of my natural parents as well as an amazing step dad that was a HUGE part of my upbringing. I can't imagine life without any of them, yet sadly I know this is an inevitable part of living. Getting older SUCKS. I know lots of people who have lost their parents and honestly, I am not sure how you survive. When you're a kid you think parents are just there to raise you, teach you life lessons (and not always ones you wanted, but let's be honest....most of them are good ones that mold you into a decent human being), and pay the bills. The truth is, as an adult you need them just as much as when you were a child. When you get older, your parents become your best friends, and you become theirs. (I am strictly speaking from my own experiences. I do realize not everyone has a relationship with their parents as I do with mine.) Over the past 3 years I have had a chance to develop a much stronger relationship with my dad. He had a heart attack about 2 1/2 years ago and when that happened, it made me realize just how important he is to me. This is the second time in 3 years that I have had a friend whose father has passed away and each time it rocks me to my core. It really makes me want to curl into a little ball and cry uncontrollably until I fall asleep (even as I am typing, the tears are welling up). I am so thankful for the time I have been able to spend with my dad and the relationship that has grown there has been unbelievable.

Switching gears for a minute....there have been a string of shootings this week as well. Mindless, callous jerks have taken matters into their own hands and decided to prematurely end peoples lives. One of the people killed in this latest shooting in Tucson, AZ was a child. A CHILD! An innocent little bystander that was there to accompany their parents on the weekly shopping trip. This makes me sad as well as EXTREMELY angry. No one on this earth has the right to decide when another person will die. I really believe that the only one who should decide when it's your time is God. After all, He created you.

I guess my whole point is this..... cherish every moment that you have with your loved ones and in your own life. You never know when the next disaster will hit, be it a natural occurrence or an insane act of a mad man that will end life as you know it. Life is too short not to enjoy it every step of the way, and this is the only shot at living you get. Make it count.

If you don't like it, you can suck it.

This blog has been inspired by Jamie Vanderpoop All-Guy-Errrr.

The other day Jamie posted on facebook that she was revisiting her blog and had made a resolution to update it every day. I have been thinking about writing a blog for some time now, but I have always though, really who the hell cares what I have to say? We ended up having a conversation about it and the outcome was who cares if no one cares? If someone doesn't like it, they can suck it. So I say thanks for the inspiration, friend! I love to write. It has always been a passion of mine, and believe me I have enough life stories to fill a rather substantial book. At 29, I have experienced life that would make some older people cringe as well as the life experience of someone 15 years my senior. I have never been a conventional person and my life really proves that. The way I think, the way I love, the way my emotions play out are not that of a typical 29 year old woman. I am much different than most girls.(I am from here-out referring to myself as a "girl" seeing as I refuse to acknowledge I am old.) A person at 29 typically has been married for a relatively short time and has a baby or 2. Some don't have any kids at all at this age and hey, if that's your life, good for you! Enjoy the kid free time while you have it. Like I said, unconventional as I am, I ended up with 5 children by the time I was 27. Not your typical life especially in today's age. Part of my New Years goals are to be more present with my children. I work a full time job while my husband stays home (again with the unconventional- pattern much?). I am also going back to school. Being a mom at such a young age, I never went to college after high school, I got a career instead. The time that I am home is usually spent sleeping, eating or vegging out in front of the TV or computer. I feel like I don't have enough time to really sit and listen to my kids. So my goal is to make sure I am really there tuning in to what they have to tell me. Kids really do say the damndest things if you stop and listen. I have some of the funniest kids I know. The things that come out of their mouths seem as though they are dropping a line from a movie. Over the next few days I'll spend some time telling you more about my kids. They are each so special and intricate, contributing so much to my life that without them I would be incomplete. Please feel privileged that I am letting you into my life. This is not something I do often and it takes a lot for me to trust people. Most of what you will hear is surface level. It is stuff that, should you spend enough time with us, you will see for yourself. I do, however want people to know the real me. Not just the perception of who they think I am. I do request that you keep an open mind about me and my life and you keep your judgment should you have any to yourself. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and hey, if you don't like it, stop reading and go suck it.

Bills, pineapples and potties OH MY!

With 35 days left until I turn 30, I reflected on some interesting things yesterday. Mostly they come down to little life lessons that we need a reminder of every now and then. Yesterday morning at 4AM I woke up out of my nice comfy sleep to a head full of thoughts.  Bills, pineapple, and potty training were just a few of the random things plaguing me in the wee hours of the morning. Will we have enough money for all the bills? Where will the next check come from? Thoughts kept swirling around my head at a time when they weren’t warranted or wanted, all the while keeping me from my sleep. Then it hit me: A massive migraine that made me want to pop out my eyeballs so I could get a little relief from the pounding and thinking. Since I was awake, I got up out of my warm cozy bed, stumbled into the kitchen to get some migraine medicine and walked around my house for a few minutes to clear the fog. When I finally did get back to bed, I turned on the TV for a little mindless relaxation. The first thing to come on was Sponge Bob; the happy little half witted creature that lives in the ocean and frolics around with his best friend the starfish without a care in the world. What does this have to do with anything? Nothing really. Being a carefree sponge seemed appealing at 4AM. Sponge Bob doesn’t need a job or money to live happily in his little pineapple. I like the thought of that. I finally dozed off again and woke up with not enough time to get ready for work. Dirty hair it is then. As I was getting ready for work, Charly came home with his dad from dropping the “big” kids off at school. I took a few minutes to have a conversation with my littlest guy about his potty training, or lack thereof. First, a little background on this… 

Charly had just come back from a weekend at my mother in laws. We dropped all of the kids off for a well needed relaxation and couples rejuvenation weekend (you know what I mean. Eh? Eh? I digress…). Every time we have a child nearing potty training age, my MIL takes the kids and they start them off. It has happened with all 4 of the younger kids and Charly was apparently to be no different. We went to pick up the kids from the MIL’s house and were told that Charly had used the potty all weekend long. HOORAY! Off we go to the diaper free zone of our lives. No more mess, no more expense! We get the kids home and hit the ground running with the little boy and his dudun duduns. He’s happy to be in his big boy underwear, mostly because he can access his lil’ wiener easier I think. Back to the potty training story. So, we get the kid home, in his new underwear and he pees. Not in the potty, noooo. In his new underwear. He pees and never stops. Pee, then poop then poop then pee…you get the picture. Something isn’t right. The MIL says Madison is our ace in the hole. She has been the one to get him to go potty all weekend, so when Josh was out night before last, I had Madison take him to the bathroom and she says he went! Jackpot! She's my little baby's potty whisperer and I am totally ok with this, especially since it's working. A few hours later, Charly is sitting at the table and he starts crying while begging me for a diaper. I ran him to the bathroom to get him on the potty and found a poo nugget present was in his pants for me. Quickly I got him on the toilet and the whole time he sat there crying and begging for his diaper. I felt so bad for the little guy, that the sucker mom gave in. 15 minutes later I had a nice dirty diaper to change. Yay me (insert sarcasm here). Come to find out, Madison had been fluffing the truth so that everyone would be proud of her little brother. Oh Maddy the little liar. At least her intentions were good, even if they were annoying. So I sat Charly down when he got home and asked him if he wanted his big boy underwear or if he wanted his diaper. I got the most honest answer I have ever received. “I want my diaper.” He was very matter of fact about this. There is no welllll, I don't know, mayyyybe. Nope, the kid knows he wants to crap in his pants, at least for now. Clearly we aren’t ready for toilet training yet. The lesson I learned here is that no matter how hard you try to disguise the truth, you can’t force the situation to your advantage if it just isn’t so. It took a sponge and a 2 year old to remind me of lessons that should be every day. Wouldn’t it be nice if all life’s lessons were taught this way? And wouldn’t it be lovely if we could all learn a little something every day from a baby, a sponge, and a starfish all in a half hours time?

What's in a name?

Really, what IS in a name? When it all comes down to it, you are not defined by what you are called but by who you mold yourself to become. Several nicknames have plagued my life, some I like and some I hate. The most recent ones have been Vavavoom and Arnegro which were both given to me from friends. Hence the name of the blog. I have never blogged before and I am not really sure what I want to accomplish through it other than maybe giving myself an outlet to express my thoughts and feelings. There is a lot to me as a person and to really know me is to know what I am all about, both good and bad. One thing is for sure, I am not my name but my name is me. Maybe that will be the next post.....